So after writing the re-cap of the wedding weekend, I thought I should summarize the most important tips I learned during this entire process.
10. BRIDAL FAIRS = WASTE OF TIME (aside from the cake samples): The wedding industry is just like the funeral industry…they are out to make a profit off of an inevitable life event that involves a large array of emotions (aka large potential for foolish/unnecessary decisions on your part). If you do attend a bridal event (I went to the Twin Cities Bridal Expo), keep your guard up, do NOT sign your contact information with anyone, ask for another form of contact from THEM so you can get ahold of them if you do decide to use them. Bridal expos are about “wowing” the naive and overwhelmed bride-to-be who is still starry-eyed over their engagement to their love. If you slip up and sign your email or phone number, it’s okay, just understand that you will be getting numerous calls from scam companies claiming you’ve won glamorous prizes and free trips attached to expensive bake ware and dining sets. Unless you have an endless budget and want everything done for you during your wedding, you’re better off looking for ideas online (etsy.com and offbeatbride.com are my favorite) and making a weekend of it by searching locally with your partner for vendors.
only reason to go to a wedding expo
9. Write your own vows: One night, about a month before our wedding, Will and I were feeling the stresses of planning and felt a little disconnected from one another. So we decided to take a bottle of wine up to our roof top deck with a pad of paper and see what we could come up with for vows. We stayed up until 2am talking about the past nine years and the hopes and plans we had made during the course of our dating relationship. We penned about 45 different promises that we wanted to make to one another (before narrowing it down to about 15 for the actual ceremony). It was simple and sweet yet one of the most memorable moments of planning because it really mentally prepared us for what this commitment meant to us as we became husband and wife. For us, marriage was never considered a defining moment for what made us a family but we chose to make this legal commitment to one another and having a night completely dedicated to the reasons why was exactly what we needed.
8.Don’t assume your husband doesn’t care: Will and I made a great wedding planning team because most of the traditional elements of planning a wedding meant nothing to us. The items that took the most work were the items that we cared about (the venue, the decor, our outfits, the invites, music), the others (flowers, dress codes, etc) we left up to the concept of “whatever happens, happens and we’ll love it or just not care!” Most tacky bridal magazines will warn you of the frustrations of your fiance’s lackluster support for wedding colors or floral arrangements (I can’t say I blame most of them!) because women get pretty obsessive about wedding stuff and I think men have a natural radar for craziness so they tend to shut down if bombarded with wedding crap. What these bridal magazines don’t tell you is that most men would be happy to help with wedding items if they’re allowed to actually make the decision. Will and I sat down when we first began planning and discussed what elements meant the most of us; for him it was good music, good art, good food and marrying me so he was 100% in charge of those items. He picked the DJ and music, he sought out the design team for our invitations and even helped design a gorgeous poster for all our friends as thank you gifts for their help. Also, yeah, the caramel apple cheese cake?…thank him! Allowing him to take on projects will take stress off of both of you and make the planning more enjoyable and personalized. Just make sure not to meddle in his decisions, unless they’re terrible…but then that becomes of matter of your choice in men.
7. “When do I start feeling like a bride?” Syndrome: During your planning you will endlessly dream about the day when everything comes together into perfect bridal bliss. The truth is that your wedding day will most likely not be how you imagined and because of this, I think many brides spend a lot of their day trying to reign in their feelings over how they are supposed to feel rather than just living in that moment. I’m not saying the day wont be bliss, because COME ON! It’s a party celebrating the union of you and your best friend, but I know I suffered a little bit from the “what, why am I not feeling the way I planned to feel!?” when I walked down the aisle or during dinner. The entire thing felt very ‘dress rehearsal” like to me because I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. This is probably why the day feels like it flies by. Eventually I just took a moment to breath in deeply and focus on taking in the moments and people around me rather than trying to figure out why I wasn’t feeling the way I thought I would as a bride. There is no one definition of how a bride should feel on her wedding day, don’t panic if you feeling differently than you anticipated.
6. The calmer you become the crazier your family will get, hold your ground on things you really believe in: **Disclaimer: Will and I obviously harbor no ill feelings towards our families, they are the reason this wedding was so great but…sorry families…it’s still true
I’m not going to lie, I actually googled the phenomenon Will and I were experiencing first hand as we planned for the wedding, “Momzillas and frenzied families during wedding planning.” Will and I didn’t make it easy on our families because we did almost everything ourselves which, at the time, we thought was a huge load lifted off our parents, but in reality I think they felt a little left in the dark about our planning which was not our intention. There really weren’t any huge episodes that come to mind but there were a few interactions where their reservations for something that Will and I felt was unnecessary were repeatedly brought up. It’s important to make sure everyone emotionally invested in you and the wedding feels heard and respected for their input but ultimately this is your experience as you become husband and wife. At first I was very frustrated with the issues brought up and felt disrespected that our families couldn’t accept the choices that Will and I made. Will and I had several long talks about picking battles and decided that the things that we were butting heads about (all vegetarian menu, non-religious ceremony, having both parents walk down the aisle) represented us and we weren’t willing to compromise. Of course, after the wedding was over, the three top things people complimented us on was our vegetarian menu, our non-religious ceremony (mostly because of our vonnegut quote) and the decision to have both parents walk down the aisle…Do not compromise yourself on the things that matter to you, even if others, for whatever reason, have a problem with it. Also, forgive. It’s easy during times of frustration or stress to hold on to those negative feelings you feel and become the victim, “oh why are they doing this to us,” “why can’t they respect our wishes,” “this isn’t about them, they’re being selfish to continue their protest.” Talk to your family members, especially if their argument is about something superficial, they’re obviously feeling emotional about something deeper and it will help everyone in the situation. You can also try assigning other tasks to them that are completely in their control so they can focus their energy into something that will be all their own on the wedding day.
5. Pick your soundtrack: I just saw a ‘fan page’ on facebook about wishing that there was a soundtrack that played during dramatic life moments like in the movies. Your wedding day is one day you can actually achieve this. Meet with your DJ, iPOD or whoever is in control of your songs before the big day to plan out what style or particular song you want played during the day. We wanted to create defining moods throughout the evening so we had funk playing during cocktail hour, a little lighter mix at dinner, oldies to start the dance off and ending with the cupid shuffle (twice). I also chose to play ‘all my single ladies’ by beyonce during the bouquet toss because I’m a cheesy sucker for top 40 dance hits. We also burned a CD with songs we thought our DJ may not have on vinyl and instructions on when we’d like them played so we could set the mood the way we wanted to. Definitely worth it.
4. Steal yourselves away from time to time: Will and I started off the day doing an intimate session of yoga with our dear friend Alicia. We enjoyed a small breakfast together (before our dog tried to eat Will’s breakfast sandwich), sneaked out after the ceremony and during the dance to take some KILLER photographs of us freshly married and found time throughout the night to hide away downstairs in the dressing room to just soak everything in. I once read about a couple that exchanged vows and right afterward sneaked away to a small, private room where they were alone to exchange another set of vows they wrote only for each other to hear. I really wish we could have done this because it’s so precious but I think our late night roof top deck session was kind of the same thing.
3. Wear your dress again then sell it! You’ll thank yourself after the generous gifts your loved ones gave you run out. Will and I had a second photo shoot done after our wedding day, partially because it was gross weather the actual day of our wedding but mostly because I wanted to wear that bitchin’ dress again. As soon as spring wedding season hits, my dress is going up on ebay; let’s be realistic, what the hell am I going to do with a big heavy dress? Unless your dress is something you can wear again (maybe you went with a very cute tea length number), get it out of your life and reap the benefits of a few extra funds.
DO work it, DON’T hoard it
2. Your photographer is everything:Remember when I mentioned that you’ll probably be spend a bit of your day trying to catch up with your emotions? This is the reason you have someone take pictures. One day after the wedding I actually thought to myself, “Was my wedding fun? I don’t even remember!” That night I got the pictures back and was reassured that my wedding was epic, flawless, beautiful, etc, etc. Let your photographer know ahead of time what moments you absolutely want and need, otherwise let them do their art, you hired them for their eye, trust it.
1. Post nuptial depression is real and can happen to anyone: After the wedding was over and we began settling into post-planning life I started to notice how sad I was all the time. I was disturbed by this because I just got married, why the heck was I feeling so down? I started feeling guilty because I couldn’t figure out why I felt so depressed so I started researching it. Post wedding depression has nothing to do with the feelings of ‘now what?’ after all the planning is done or any trace of disappointment that the wedding is over or feelings of panic or regret for marrying someone you shouldn’t have married; it’s real depression that can affect any one. Depression is already so taboo in this county so obviously post-wedding depression isn’t going to get a three page spread in a bridal magazine. Wedding planning guides wont mention depression, brides don’t talk about it and you wont see a booth at the wedding expo with tips on how to cope so just know that you may experience symptoms of sadness and depression and that you shouldn’t feel guilty or confused and you are not alone.
That’s it! Now read, reflect and go out and create your own top ten. We are preparing to take our honeymoon to Chicago in a few weeks, we’re taking the train and going to a taping of Wait..Wait..don’t tell me! We spent our first two month wedding anniversaries at vet clinics with our animals (brown cat got a fever of unknown origin and almost died on november 3rd and digital dog had a toe amputation surgery on december 3rd), how romantic!
c + w j
Great article, very good advice! Thanks